I feel the pain in my hands and arms first, even before my eyes open. It’s not new to me. But this morning it overwhelms. The ache of arthritis. I don’t want to move.
My elbows. They cry out as I prop myself up. I swing my legs around to the floor. The knees that have felt many a needle to relieve the swollen since that silly softball injury, they creak. Really? I’m not that old. My ankles work hard carrying me to the bathroom. I reach for the pain reliever.
An hour later, children fed, coffee consumed, still no relief. I leave one in charge and the rest of the children in various stages of dress and head for the shower. Seeking warmth for the joints. The hot water spills and my tears mingle.
I face the guilt. Standing in the shower I wonder, why am I such the wimp? So many others have bigger pain. Prayer lists full of more serious physical torments than mine of some twenty years. This unexplained autoimmune attack that could be the reason for five losses.
Then I wish. Wish this had happened on a Saturday. Then he could have toted, carried the youngest as he often does. My husband could have stepped in and balanced the load.
That’s when it hits me. I’m seeking the wrong sorts of relief in the wrong places.
Come to me.
The Lord, He calls to me. At the same time a small child’s hand bangs on the bathroom door. The children calling too.
Yes Lord. I come. But how will I lead the children today? I ask.
Let the little children come to me, He whispers.
Relief. That’s it! We’ll curl up on the couch. They can sit in my lap and we’ll read books.
I’ll go to Him. Curl up in His lap. I’m His child. All of us children, we’ll go to Him.
Then these scriptures, these song verses, thoughts, wash away the weariness…
Your strength is made perfect when I am weak…
When you are weak I am strong…
Just as I am…Oh Lamb of God, I come…
…And give Him the glory great things he hath done!
I had realized this before. Other arthritic days. Given into the ache. Called it a school day on the couch. Realized that this pain is the thorn that keeps me praying. But it wasn’t until this day that I had truly awakened to my ache for Him. This physical manifestation of my need for my Lord.
The Lord says, “I am the one who comforts you.” Isaiah 51:12
And while I started the morning awaking to the aching of my joints, now I realize I am awaking to my aching need for Him to carry me. This physical reminder of my need.
My tears spent, I gather the stack by the couch. I call to the children only the few words He whispered to me…”Come to me.”
I’m not strong. But He is.
Awaking.
Aching.
Jesus said, “Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God. And trust in me.” John 14:1
How about you. Is there something, some physical reminder, that points you to Him?
-Tricia homeschools five children from preschool to high school, mixing up a classical and Charlotte Mason style. You can find her facing that daily dose of chaos at Hodgepodge. She contributes a mixture of writing for The Curriculum Choice, $5 Dinners, Passionate Purposeful Parenting and is a.k.a. Hodgepodgemom.
Kerri says
January 18, 2011 at 8:54 AMThis is so timely for me this morning, Tricia. Today everything is resuming regular schedules, and as husband was leaving for work and eldest going to classes, I thought, who will be here to help me, overdue and miserable. And I heard that same voice you did answer. “I am here. I am your help”. Which sent me to Psalm 46 for comfort.
Thank you for sharing your heart and your aches.
Tricia says
January 18, 2011 at 1:34 PMKerri, your faith and trust these last weeks is so very inspiring! Can’t wait to meet your sweet bundle 🙂
Angie says
January 18, 2011 at 9:39 AMSooooo beautiful are these words that remind us to go to HIM!!! That is the daily answer!! Go to Him; it is so simple and yet it is life!! I am praying for you (and you Kerri) that God will bless that hunger for HIM and through those blessings you will be sustained physically!!
Erin says
January 18, 2011 at 10:48 AMI have rheumatoid arthritis. This hits home. Thank you so much.
Tricia says
January 18, 2011 at 1:35 PMErin, now I know to pray for you!
Melissa Lanier says
January 18, 2011 at 10:54 AMSuch a timely word from God to me this morning.Thank you for being so transparent with your life. Autoimmune struggles are no stranger to me and my family. The guilt and tears are not strangers either. God has used your sweet honesty this morning to comfort me and assure me that I am not alone. I will be praying for you today and thanking him for your obedience.
Sherri's Thoughts says
January 18, 2011 at 1:21 PMSo precious and touching! Brought tears to my eyes!
Tricia says
January 18, 2011 at 1:36 PMAngie, Melissa, Sherri – your words are affirmation for me. You all are so encouraging! Thank you, sweet friends.
Jenny says
January 18, 2011 at 1:51 PMTricia, my favorite blog to this day! I am going to email you with how another friend has relieved her arthric pain with cleansing. She is our age also. I love you. I had no idea about the miscarriages. Thanks for sharing.
Lindsey says
January 18, 2011 at 4:52 PMI have a mystery autoimmune illness myself. Misdx as lupus. I can very much relate to this post.
Heidi Stearns says
January 18, 2011 at 6:35 PMThis hits home for me after suffering for years from Endometriosis, migraines, Interstitial Cystitis. I have had many days on my knees wondering how I was going to make it through, I went to bed some nights and thought to myself “how did I make it through?” and those are the times I am reminded exactly how I made it through!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Jill says
January 18, 2011 at 9:08 PMSO inspiring!! Prayers to you, my 72 yr. old mother was dignosed last year with rheumatoid arthritis. I know somewhat about the hard days!! God bless you my friend each day!!
Tammy says
January 19, 2011 at 9:53 AMWhat a beautiful post. So raw and honest. I sat here in tears reading it. Thank you…for the reminder and for being so real.
Marisol says
February 16, 2011 at 12:37 AMGod bless you and your family. I just found your website, so inspiring, I homeschool 3 of five children and sometimes find it difficult to continue. I could not imagine what your pain is like, but you are truly inspirational. May God keep being your strength and refuge!
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Sara says
November 6, 2012 at 9:15 PMI know this is an old post, but it was so timely for me today. So grateful for the Lord’s prompting to click through your links and land here. Today was one of those days when I gave up and gave in to the aching. Back on track tomorrow!
Tricia says
November 7, 2012 at 10:03 AMSara! He always shows us, doesn’t He? If only we ask Him to. So glad you found this helpful today! Blessings…